at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
