Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
