I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
