Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
