my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
