His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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