i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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