Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
