Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
