matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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