Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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