I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I looked at my own cervix.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize