She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
