capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
did you just send me my own nude
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
