just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
