Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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