It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
