mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
