2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize