Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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