Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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