Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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