apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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