Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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