Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
