I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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