just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
