My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I did not marry a roomba.
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