I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
