can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize