Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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