Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
