I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
