i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
