Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
