So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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