Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
