You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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