He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
