please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
