she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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