I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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