my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
