if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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