The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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