I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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