Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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