She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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