I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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