I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
