paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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