is your mom at the bar?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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