I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
