I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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