Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
