listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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