You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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