2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't turn off my feet"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
