so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
