my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My penis needs a shock collar
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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