you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
