Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
