I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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