I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
too bad you live with your parents still
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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