My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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