pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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