yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
